Many individuals experience divorce in different ways. Some choose to communicate due to mutual duties whereas others choose to go No Contact so they can cope with the pain and maybe turn the tables around. The aim of No Contact during or after divorce is not to push you to make any more mistakes or to lack communication. One main thing that you can achieve while using No Contact is to go through this hard period and reflect on your relationship. Yet, these are some specific cases when you have to be careful whether you should use No Contact during or after divorce. If you have been going through court and have kids in between or any other mutual responsibilities, it is better to choose limited communication instead of cutting all the ties. This way you will be distant and yet you will be in touch for important matters. 9 tips to follow when you use the No Contact rule after divorce:
1. Define the reason why you want to go No Contact
The most important thing to do before deciding whether to use No Contact during or after divorce is to know in which context you’re going to use it. First, let’s define your aim. Knowing your aim can spare you from many misunderstandings. If you have been part of a long-term relationship, no matter if you are the dumpee or the dumper, going radio silence won’t initiate attraction. This might have worked if you have been dating and not knowing each other very well. In this case, you might want to use NC to have some space to rebuild yourself and give your ex time to finish procedures without having to argue or fight. If your ex has been trying to maintain some type of communication during a divorce so you can go faster with the procedures then you may have a limited connection.
2. Don’t add selfish nuances to this rule
The stages that the dumper and dumpee experience, in this case, are the same as in a casual breakup but more painful and complicated. Being married and going through a divorce is like experiencing a double break up when you’re just dating. Using the No Contact rule just to take revenge on your ex for divorcing you or pushing them to get back with you, won’t have any effect and will backfire on you. Perhaps, being distant might cause mystery even during divorce but more than mystery will cause confusion and irritation. I am not implying that you shouldn’t put your feelings and needs first, but you should also search for signs if you can create healthy boundaries/ communication before going NC.
3. Be calm and have the situation under control
Using No Contact during divorce when you were part of an abusive relationship or toxic relationship can help you be emotionally stronger and have control in your life. In this situation, the No Contact rule will help you with the healing process and be emotionally stronger. Whether you have been in a relationship with a controlling partner, a cheating spouse, or a narcissist, stepping back and setting boundaries will make you:
Think clearly and have control in your life;Your ex won’t have the chance to pull your strings;You won’t have the pressure to do things in the instant; You will perceive your relationship issues differently;
In this case, If you have tried to do all the talking and there was no result, you should use No Contact and focus more on yourself than on your ex.
4. Be distant but don’t ignore your ex
If you are having a messy divorce or if both of you have agreed on parting ways, it is important to be distant but not ignore their presence or effort. In this case, you use this rule to interrupt the negative pattern but not make the other one feel worthless. Having limited communication or no communication at all during No Contact can create a space to go through the pain and negative emotions. No one asks for divorce out of the blue, thus if you have tried to talk about mending the relationship but had no results, use this rule fully to mend yourself. By nourishing yourself, you will reflect differently on yourself and on your ex.
5. Break the chains of “What it used to be”
You need to find the balance of not being too pushy and too needy while using No Contact after divorce. There is a very fine line between these two that has to be noticed. You will find this balance once you face reality and you’re not afraid of transition. In order to get over the divorce, you need to take a step back, understand yourself and then the stage of moving on will come along. Hanging on the past, nagging, wondering what if, won’t help in the process of moving on or reestablishing the relationship. Taking a step back gives you a clearer idea of what your relationship was, how much you and your ex cared to fix things, or how much effort it took you to maintain it.
6. Focus your negative energy to improve yourself
When you go No Contact after divorce is very important to take a step back from negativity and fights. Unless you don’t use it as an escape plan to not face the situation. Being a little bit distant from your ex during this process, you will focus that negative energy and exhaustion on something productive. Instead of being a part of your ex’s passive-aggressive behavior or a victim of your own thoughts, try to shift this energy to something that will improve your self-confidence. You might keep a smart communication just to finish the procedures and find your balance in all this that you’re going through. At this time, instead of thinking about what your ex is thinking of you or whether they’re missing you, try to focus that energy on new activities that will nourish you.
7. Don’t be afraid to embrace the transition
You should be aware that after the divorce the relationship won’t be the same anymore. The No Contact will help you face the changes in this relationship and understand your feelings better. When you feel in denial and crushed, after being asked for the divorce, that’s when keeping distance comes in hand. You will have some time to experience pain by yourself and clear your thoughts. You won’t ask yourself anymore: Why my ex doesn’t love me anymore? Am I the one to blame for this, did I not do enough? You will be in that state of mind when it will be alright if you don’t feel the same for your ex-husband or ex-wife and vice versa.
8. Use your past memory to guide your future
Being in No Contact, you interrupt that everyday pattern of confronting your ex. Being less focused on them helps you to notice what went wrong during your relationship. Learn from your past or your mistakes. You have to go past pain, past trauma, past hurt, to understand what this relationship has taught you and what you look for in a relationship.
9. Don’t use mind games to get your ex back
The No Contact Rule is not projected to use it as a mind game or reverse psychology to get your ex back. It is more designed to help you reflect on yourself, boost your self-confidence, and refind your old self. This energy should be transmitted to people around you and to your ex. The distance, reflection, and change will play the role of “the law of attraction”. You should consider No Contact during divorce as ‘Your time to spend with yourself and not let pain or hate drive your decisions and life’.
When shouldn’t you use the No Contact Rule after divorce?
There are some specific situations when you can choose to use Limited or Smart No Contact instead of cutting all the ties with your ex. Here are 3 situations when you shouldn’t use the No Contact rule during or after divorce:
- If you’re dealing with a narcissist ex and you have kids If you choose to go No contact with a narcissistic ex with whom you’ve kids, then there is a possibility that they will prevent it by making you look selfish. They will probably try to make you look like you don’t want to cooperate or even co-parent with them. That you are not able to interact with them for the wellbeing of the children. What to do instead: ~ At the beginning stages of divorce, you should be able to demonstrate that you’re capable of co-parenting with them. You should be careful with your actions and show how much your kids mean to you and how you’re willing to be a good parent. You can do it by using the grey method when you can do limited communication with your ex when it comes to kids. Try to be careful and document every single step that you take or conversation that you make with them. Keep the conversation short and simple.
- Your ex refused couple therapy but needs spare time to collect their thoughts If you ended up on good terms, yet your ex refused your request to go for couple therapy but asked you to take some time apart then smart contact would be the best choice. What to do instead: Use Smart Contact, which means you can contact your ex after some time and check on them and ask how they’ve been. Don’t be too needy or pushy, just try to have a simple conversation after you have given them some time to reflect on everything.
- Your ex gives you signs that they want to maintain the relationship somehow Divorce can be hard but if you still have feelings for each other and you’re doing it out of anger or sometimes even the relationship doesn’t work, don’t choose to go No Contact. What to do instead: If you have been in a long-term relationship you can maintain limited contact when you can talk to each other here and there and see how things are going. You should try to not invade their space, be polite and try to show that you’ve outgrown your mistakes.
What to do if your ex contacts you after divorce?
According to your situation, here are a few tips to use when your ex reaches out to you during No Contact after divorce: ~ Be open to changes. If you ended on good terms and your feelings are still the same then give a chance to your ex to reconcile the relationship. Since the distance has made its work. ~ Don’t be overwhelmed and act recklessly. Even if your divorce wasn’t that messy you need to be able to know where you stand now towards your ex. Ask yourself if it is worthy to reconnect with them even to just be friends. ~ Don’t reply back. You should not reply to an ex that you have been trying to be out of a toxic relationship. Instead, try to think about what you’ve been through and how much time it took to rebuild yourself. ~ Be bold to face reality. If you feel safe and ready to go back and talk a little with your ex then you should do it. Be open with them and tell them about your feelings, whether they’ve changed or you still feel the same. ~ Don’t drag yourself down to the rabbit hole. If you are feeling lonely at that moment when they call, don’t go for it just because you feel down at that moment. That will be a huge problem afterward.
Last point: Should I use No Contact during or after divorce?
The most important thing when you use No Contact during or after divorce is to find balance while using it, customize it to your situation. If you think that there is any space that you can save your marriage choose limited/smart contact. If there is no reason for going back to a difficult or toxic relationship then choose to cut all contact with them. Keep in mind, use this rule to make yourself better, and then that can reflect on everyone, even in your past and your future. Warm hugs, Callisto
